My biological father passed away.


Almost a year ago I wrote about my biological father, the one I’ve never met and only talked to on the phone twice as a child.

I wrote him a letter three years ago and a year later he responded with a Christmas card and two pictures of himself as young adult. Finally learning what he looked like, after over twenty years of wondering, seemed like enough for me at the time. It closed the door on that chapter of my life of wishing for a father, wishing for me, or so I thought.

Since the moment I had internet access I’ve googled him every now and then out of curiousity, found out where he lived, his age and what he did for a living, and that he was married.

Five days ago I found out that he had died.

Reading his obituary I found out more about him that I knew while he was alive. At the time, his death didn’t really bother me. He was 70 years old, it seemed like he had a full life. His obituary talked about how active he was in his church and how many friends he had. I brushed it off and went about my day, telling myself that it shouldn’t bother me.

After a few hours it start to hit me and I guess I started to grieve.

More for the end of deep buried dreams than for anything. Even as I grew older I think that I always secretly hoped that one day we would meet and he’d express regret and all of the proper emotions of having missed out on my childhood and then we’d live happily ever after.

It’s not going to happen now and part of me is sad for that. I wish I had memories of a happy childhood to fall back on, I wish I could say that I’d never lacked for a father figure that I felt loved anyway… but I didn’t. Now that part of my life is closed and never to be recaptured in any way.

It makes me really sad.

I wish you would have loved me, or cared enough to try
I wish you would have said hello before you say goodbye

  • Sunfire

    I wish I knew what else to say besides…. {{{HUG}}}

  • I never had a chance to meet or see my father, because he died 3 months before my birth. I'll never know what it is like to be a daughter of a father. It is a never-to-be-filled gap, I truly understand you dear… Even the most positive, self-loving and caring person who tries to make everyone feel good has moments of grieve and "I wish" sentences. Life is all about these intertwining emotions and events, both pleasure and pain. There is a reason for everything and I'm sure you know this. I love you… <3

  • Dominee

    Thank you so much.

  • Dominee

    Thanks for understanding and for your sweet words and your love. I so much appreciate it.

  • Sarah Clark

    That's really sad…I'm sorry for your loss, and not just since his death but the lack/loss of what could have been, too. I'm sad at the moment as my dad is very ill, but if he does pass away, and I'm hoping it won't be just yet…at least I'll know I was lucky enough to have had a good father in my life until I was in my 40s, and for that, despite any ups and downs, I have always been grateful. Much love to you xxx

  • Ellen

    Dear sweetheart, big big hug hug for you. Grief like this is even more complicated and confusing, so give yourself permission to feel what ever comes up for you and be very kind for yourself. Thank you for allowing us to be there for you. Mucho love!

  • Dominee

    Thank you, as the days pass it's getting easier and the grief isn't as sharp.

  • Dominee

    Thank you so much. I'm sending heartfelt wishes that your father improves and that you get more time to spend with him. Love. <3

  • Big comforting hugs to you sweetness. Yes, grief and love and life are such very complicated things. Just feel what you feel and go with your heart to guide you through this journey…perhaps you will find a silver lining somehow. I'm so sorry you never knew him or his love…such a sad shame and loss for you both. I was lucky to be a daddy's girl, but his demons were stronger than our bond and he took his own life 20 years ago…so I do know the pain of not being able to say goodbye. Thank you for sharing, your open heart and honest words have such an impact on so many who know you here! ~xo~

  • I'm sending you lots of hugs and snuggles, and all the positive vibes that you need. I don't know how you feel, I've never been there, but I can see it must be hard, so thank you so much for sharing. It's so comforting for me, as a fairly emotional person, to see someone else who also clearly struggles with some of the same feelings that I have, posting them freely and talking about them.

  • Oh sweetheart I feel your pain. Thank you for putting your heart in view for us. You act as a teacher for us all. For those of us who never had a relationship with our biological fathers, I want to say thank you. I am encouraged to be the one to say what I need to say and grieve what I need to grieve. Thank you bright light. <3

  • Bethwyn Walker

    I acknowledge that this is something I will never properly understand, but I reach out to you across the internet and offer my heartfelt support during your grief. While we do not know each other well, I adore your blog and your beautiful attitude to life, and I wish for space and time for you to meet yourself where you are.
    Lots of love,
    Bethwyn xoxox

  • Dominee~ Sending you love and hugs. What a deeply intense experience to go through. By the way, thank you for the beautiful ABC's of Self Love book. You are so amazing!

  • I so completely related to your 2-line verse. It sums up perfectly how I felt about my parents – and I lived with them till I was 18. They were narcissists, and should neither have married nor had children. Holding you in my heart as you grieve.

  • Michelle Swan

    When my father died, I hadn't seen him in for about five years. When he passed, all that old grief and wanting a father hit me hard. What helped me to finally deal with our distant relationship was going to his grave. I was able to talk to him and say goodbye. I went twice and it helped me heal immensely.
    I wish you much love and peace, my friend. Know that you are not alone.

  • It's hard. I've known my father since I was 15 but he's so distant I know next to nothing about the family.

  • I'm sorry for your loss.

    I never met my biological father either. (I did see him 2 times, but I was too small to remember that). After this, he never called or asked to see me, and I figured I should be ok with this, because he had his own family, and we had our own family.
    In the beginning I never asked any questions out of respect for my dad (I don't see him as a stepfather at all). I didn't want him to think I missed something, or that I didn't consider me my "real" dad.

    Later I became curious and I've learned about some details of my bio father's life, but I wasn't impressed. My mom didn't speak bad of him to make me resent him, but she told me he had a drinking problem when they've met and that was the reason they've split.

    As a kid I fantasized about him wanting to contact me after all these years, and me refusing contact. Even though I didn't miss a thing in my life, I couldn't help feeling a bit "unwanted" after all. There was this man, living a 10 minute drive from my home, and he didn't care about my existence at all. I couldn't wrap my head around that.
    Later I talked myself into feeling ok about it. We were never a family, so of course he couldn't care.
    But I see I need to do some healing about this part of my life.
    I think that if I can sort this out on my own, I won't need closure. I think I might be ok with never seeing what my bio father looks like.
    I don't know if that's realistic, but I think I can do it.

    I hope you can do it as well.
    I send you love and support.

  • Elaine C

    Hey Dominee,

    So sorry to hear this. Sending you lots of love and hugs. I haven't been checking in much lately with your blog cos I've not been online much, but I'm glad I read this one. I'm so sorry for your loss

    Elaine xxxxxx

  • Mich

    I feel so very much for all of you! This is why I have been searching for someone or a group of people to chat to about something I am planning to do for my husband… His father was killed in a car accident when he was only a few months old and because it was such a shock to his mom she has never really shared very much about him with my husband. We now have a little boy and I can see more and more how much he longs to know more… I am thinking of making a scrap/ memory book for him about his dad including photos as well as questions which I will have his mom answer such as "what about me most reminds you of dad", "what was dad's favourite food, sport, car, past time….."……. So I would like to know 1: do you all think this is a good idea? 2: Can you suggest questions I should include? Many thanks in advance. Michelle

  • Megan S

    I'm so glad I found this. I just learned my biological father died, I was adopted and had only met him once. It's comforting to read everything I've been thinking and feeling.

  • Dominee

    Big hugs to you @Megan S

  • Riki

    My story is a long one but I will make it short. My mother was spiteful, she put my step dad on my birth certificate. She told me one day to anger my step dad at a young age that he was not my father. I was hurt and confused.
    I spent my childhood in care, she was mentally ill and had always had an overactive imagination. (She now believes she was born a man and forced into a sex change) so when he rejected her she went too far to get back at him. My father was with another woman but had an argument where they split for a week or so and he met my mum in between. My mother always told me he was with her and he ran off before I was born and didn't want anything to do with me. As the years went on her stories changed and she believed them more and more. She used to make up what she could to stop me looking for him, often horrible things.

    My father looked after me when I was a baby, with his partner who always accepted me. She told me recently he was sad when my mother stopped contact. My mother was a psychopath, they were scared of her as she was violent a lot. She was even violent with me, usually saying things like I was just like my father and attacked me for looking like him.
    I grew up to think he was evil.

    He didn't come looking for me as he felt it was too late and was hurt that she stopped contact. (I found out from his best friend). I later found out he was living in Leeds as a paramedic. I was proud that he was helping people. Nothing like what my mother had said.

    In care I used to cry and wanted him to come get me. Social services searched and found him. I was told his name and that I had 4 younger siblings. I was excited but I never met any of them until I was 16 and my brothers got in contact. The two brothers I soon met and it wasn't until 5 years later I met my two sisters. I met the sisters at our fathers funeral a few months ago. The sisters did not know I existed and were shocked. I have not had contact with them since as their mum is a bit of a funny woman too. I miss them and just want to be a big brother to them. I have siblings from my step dad but its not the same.

    Although I never met him I feel so depressed, I am sad all the time. I cry over him and feel devastated, empty and lost. But I had never met him so I do not understand why I feel like this. My father committed suicide, I am distraught about it.

    I have mixed feelings because I have met my family on his side, none of whom are anything like my mother said and they have welcomed me as if I was always there. They have known about me but I was always a touchy subject that upset my father so they didn't ask him about me. I often feel that they struggle with me because I am almost the exact double of him when he was my age. You can see on their faces that they see him in me which comforts and hurts them at the same time.

    I always regret that I didn't contact him. I dream often about meeting him. I just want to know if he would have accepted me after all this time. he admitted just before he died that I was his son to my brothers but he became sad when he was asked more so I am confused how he felt about me.

    I will always want to know. He left suicide notes for the others and if there was one for me I would be able to rest knowing what he thought. But there wasn't and I continue to wonder. I will never find the answers I need. I have so many questions for him.

    I have to rediscover who I am. I feel as if I have been living a lie up until now.

    (Sorry if this base errors or some parts don't make sense. Its late at night and I am using a phone.)

  • ken russell

    Hi,

    I never knew who my father was. Never talked to him, never saw him from what I can remember. I do believe he was around several times when I was a newborn/infant.

    From time to time I would google his name but never subscribed to the websites that could trace him using public records, titles, etc.

    Tonight I decided to google him and found out he did in 2012. An old picture of him was on the funeral home’s online obituary. I do see my resemblance of him. It’s strong. An exact replica. Not sure why an old picture from the late 60’s or 70’s was used. He had to have taken pictures since then, like more recent than then.

    I don’t feel sadness, nor anger. How can I? I never met him. However, growing up as a kid not knowing who my biological father was did make me feel not whole, not complete, not knowing who I am nor where I came from. I always felt lost. Which is why I had to start high school all over again as a freshman at the age of 17yrs. I struggled a lot as a adolescent, not knowing who made you definitely has a psychological and emotional impact on your development. I must say that it continued to bother me all they up to undergraduate as well. Now that I am a father I will do all I can to love and nurture my son. I know what it’s like to be lost out there. There is only so much a mother can do for her son. Boys need their fathers. Although I had a step father, he was a joke. I would have rather been without him.

    Thanks for sharing your experience. It’s good to know that there are others who have the same experiences :).

  • Joshua Hoolahan

    I never met my father i think I was 25 when he died. My whole life I wanted to meet him, he was an abusive drunk to my mother well that’s what I was told. My mum re married and left the state and changed my last name. I always thought I would have a chance to meet but I was wrong I was contacted by family of his that I didn’t know I had telling me my he had passed away and asked could I chuck in on his funeral I didn’t know how to feel. They said he tried find me his whole life well he couldn’t of tried to much as they found me quiet easy. Its now 10 years later and I often wonder why he never wanted me in his life. I have moved on and now have 4 beautiful kids i love and cherish and could never put them thru what I’ve been thru. Just thought I’d share my story