It’s been a week and a half since I’ve written a blog post, almost a week and a half since I was diagnosed with Bell’s Palsy. I haven’t felt like myself lately.
I’ve been drowning.
When the paralysis of the right side of my face happened, I handled it like a champ. The first two days I had a positive attitude, I wasn’t letting it get me down, I was rolling with the punches.
Then day three happened and day three really sucked. It really hit me that I can’t laugh or smile. When I try, I look like I’m snarling, cringing, grimacing. I work in retail and I can’t look friendly. If I try then everyone wonders wrong with my face. I don’t look normal. I don’t look happy, and I definitely don’t feel happy.
I do feel guilty.
It’s just a face, it will go back to normal eventually. There are so many people with chronic illness, with permanent disabilities, and here I am, moaning and groaning over the fact that I’m not all smiles. I feel like I don’t have the right to complain, that I’m being petty, that I’m being a big ol’ baby. It’s taken me over a week to be able to write this because I don’t want to be all doom and gloom.
I’ve also fallen into depression.
It’s no secret that I deal with depression, but in the last few years Depression has visited less frequently, leaves rather quickly, with no long lasting signs he was there. This last week has seen Depression and I as best friends who curl up in bed together. He’s definitely been wearing out his welcome.
It’s been a perfect storm.
The Bell’s Palsy happened to coincide with my menstrual cycle, which usually gives me a mild case of the blues. On top of that I was experiencing the flu-like symptoms which usually accompany Bell’s Palsy. Did I mention I was put on steroids? Talk about mood swings! I spent a whole day in bed crying, and then another, and all of my usual feel-better methods stopped working. I kept telling myself that these feelings if despair were not my reality.
I didn’t want to work, or write, and I started to doubt what I do and why I do it and if I’m meant to do it. I just bought a brand spankin’ new video camera. I was so excited to start working on my next big dream for Blessing Manifesting. Now the thought of sitting in front of a video camera and talking to you makes me cringe. I know you’ll love me anyway, but at the same time I want to give you my best and brightest.
I’m trying to take it one day at a time.
I hope this week will be better! (Due to my nutso work schedule my week always starts on Thursday!) I want to be back to my shiny self, I want to feel like writing, I want to feel like what I have to say is worth putting out into the world. Blessing Manifesting is about loving yourself and loving your life. Despite the fact that right now I’m not so in love with my life, I do still retain a massive amount of love for myself and compassion for what I’m going through.